Forgiveness
The best strategy that I have come across that actually leads directly to emotional health is forgiveness. Forgiveness offers a positive approach (empathy, compassion, understanding) towards a person that has hurt you. A truly selfish act, forgiveness is a form of letting go; a way to stop living in the past and allow yourself the peace to truly move forward in life. Forgiveness builds self-esteem through the recognition of past pain and taking active steps to prevent a recurrence of what happened to you. Contrary to popular belief, forgiveness is not about letting the person who hurt you off the hook. Forgiveness is about finding a way to reconcile pain from the past in a safe environment and ensure it no longer has an influence on your present.
The act of forgiveness
Releases negative emotions (anxiety, anger, tension, resentment, vengeance) thereby reducing stress, aiding sleep and reducing blood pressure
Reduces the risk and severity of depression
Frees up time you would have spent dwelling on past events for the enjoyment of your current experiences
Has been linked to a longer lifespan.
So, forgive your mother, your father, your sibling/s, the kid that bullied you in school, your ex, your boss, and yourself.
The process of forgiveness can be summarised into five steps
Identify who and what needs your forgiveness
Identify the person and the specific behaviour
Write down (with pen and paper) the details of the act that needs forgiveness. Be specific.
E.g. “The way Joan makes me feel when we go out” is not going to cut it. “ “When Joan made snide remarks about the way I looked in the black dress when we went to John’s cocktail party”
2. Feel
In a safe space, take time to feel all the emotions that rise up as a result of the act
E.g. I felt self-conscious and like I didn’t belong there. I felt like I could not relax and have a good time because I was worried about how I looked from the back. I was constantly aware of how I was standing. I felt like everyone was looking at my back fat. I no longer wanted to celebrate John’s birthday. I thought of every excuse to leave a soon as possible so I could end the feeling of discomfort
3. Accept
Acknowledge that people are not perfect
4. Let go
Imagine a cord connecting you and the person who caused you pain at that time
Cut the cord
Watch that moment in time drift away in the wind/with running water
5. Set clear boundaries to prevent repeat events
If you are comfortable doing so, have a conversation with the person that caused you pain. In a safe space and in a calm and compassionate way explain to the person why this behaviour is unacceptable and ask them not to repeat it
If a conversation with the source is not possible, define how you will avoid this in the future (either with the source or someone else)
