Be Brave
I was afraid of heights. With a sound basis in danger (a fall from a height will likely result in injury); fear of height is relatively common. Mine wasn't a debilitating fear and it didn't stop me from climbing ladders or going to observation decks but I was always petrified when I did. My heart would be pounding, my ears would ring and I would have trouble remembering the experience afterwards.
When my life felt like it was falling to pieces and I was determined to get control of something, anything. I decided to tackle my fear of heights. I researched overcoming fears and read a couple of books. Fuelled by memories of my ex-husband's taunts of "you'll never be able to do that", I then spent a few weeks researching sky diving - the techniques involved, equipment and even some of the horror stories. I then researched dive schools in my local area and found one with an impeccable safety rating and good customer reviews. I called and spoke to them to find out who their most experienced jumper was and booked a jump with him. I was explicit. I would not jump unless Frank was taking me down. Money was tight so I figured if I was invested financially I wouldn't back out.
Each step in the process brought terror but I used yogic breathing techniques to get me through; facing one task at a time before moving on to the next with sheer determination and resolve.
When this photo was taken, unbeknownst to me, my contemplation was fierce. Internally I was in panic mode. I was about to jump out of a plane with my descent slowed by a piece of nylon. Stupidity personified?
To say I was petrified is an understatement.
I put on the garb in a daze and tried to listen through foggy ears at the safety briefing in the hangar. As the plane taxied out I could hear my heart beating as the sound of the rest of the world was muffled by the luxuriously padded headphones. I was hot even though the plane had so many air gaps it was about eight degrees. I was finding it hard to swallow.
I usually experience motion sickness but this was a completely new realm for me. What the fuck had I signed myself up for? I felt my face flush. Frank caught my eye and gave me a look of "you okay" and an enthusiastic thumbs up. He was nodding like he was begging for me to be alright. I took a deep breath and managed a weak nod and what I hoped was a convincing show of bravery as I gave him a timid thumbs up in reply.
The plane sped up and with a few wobbles that are usual for light aircraft we were in the sky. As we started to circle our ascent the pilot began talking about something. Though I could hear every word he was saying, I had no idea what he was talking about. My brain couldn't quite keep up with his words. It felt like my heart was going to beat its way through my chest cavity in an act of defiance, flop onto the floor and stay in the plane. Then, like a fish caught on a hook, I felt my brain began to pull out me out of my panic-induced stupor. The tone of the pilot changed. He was excited. He had just received a message from ground control and announced that I was 'lucky'. Two other people that were meant to join on the same dive had not shown up so we had time to fly a little higher and take a longer jump.
Woo hoo! Not.
With a feeling of absolute terror, I lifted my head to look at Frank. He was beaming like a school kid that had been told on a hot summer's day that they were going to the pool after school. Frank's excitement was palpable. While in retrospect this is a great sign, the guy loved his job and was stoked to be able to get more freefall time. All I could think was "fuck". Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Up until that point, even though I was scared, I had a degree of confidence in my ability to follow through. Now I wasn't so sure.
The plane levelled out and Frank moved towards me. He connected my harness to him and we moved as one from the cabin to the now-open sliding door of a plane. Awkwardly we managed to sit on the edge with me almost on his lap. I remember thinking "Well, I can't back out now". I forced myself to look out - the view was incredible. Frank, beckoned me for the thumbs up. At this point, I think my heart had stopped as my body felt still, completely overtaken by the gravity (pun intended) of the situation. I lifted my right thumb. Then we were falling. The speed was indescribable. With the wind pushing into my face it was hard to breathe. It felt like my cheeks were a doona being shaken when you're trying to wriggle the cover all the way to the ends. I was terrified. I was sure Frank could feel my body trembling. I began to sweat. You know, that cold sweat of panic. Again, I forced myself to look around. The scenery was amazing. For a few seconds, I marvelled at the beauty of the landscape. Then I made the mistake of looking down and saw the ground rushing towards us. I started to panic again. How long were we going to fall before he pulled the cord? I looked around again. My breath came in short intakes against the pressure of the rising air (yes, I know that it was me falling but the experience is completely reversed). I could see the other jumper already had their chute open. Had Frank forgotten to launch the chute? Was there something wrong? Was I going to become a statistic? Each second felt like an eternity. Then a whooshing sound, a jerk and silence.
The parachute was open. We were floating. And it was the best feeling EVER
I engaged in yogic breath again. My heart rate slowed. I felt my body settle and the sun hit my face as we turned. This was magic! If that experience only lasted a second the build-up would have been worth it. The couple of minutes that followed were some of the best in my life. With a view from the Yarra Valley hills to the city of Melbourne and the sparkling ocean beyond, I was amazed at how high we still were considering we free fell for what seemed like hours. We circled around on our gentle descent back to the ground and managed an almost perfect landing with the cartoon-like squat on landing then a little run until the chute touched down and we stopped.
Frank seemed as thrilled as I was. He told me that I was so calm he decided to fall for a little longer to try to get my adrenaline pumping. Fuck me! He thought I was calm? A professional jumper thought I was calm! In that instant, I thought "If I can pull that off then I can do anything". Together we rolled up the chute and headed back to the shed for it to be expertly packed for the next jump. We chatted about his work and he told me that he was knocking off early to prepare for a memorial for a friend who had been jumping in Spain when his chute failed to open. That's when shit got real again. I just did something that could have killed me. And I loved it.
Subsequent to sky diving, I bungee jumped off a bridge in Auckland. This experience was a little more confronting as I had to actively dive off the steel girder myself, whereas Frank did the hard part by leaping out of the plane. While I am glad I crossed bungee jumping off my list, it is not something I would do again (whereas I would definitely go sky diving). I did not enjoy the jerking feeling at the end of the jump or the time spent upside down bouncing with blood pooling in my head dangling over the water. I was sure I was going to donate the contents of my stomach as burley and I felt motion sick for a long time thereafter - not something I wish to repeat.
Fear is normal. To be human is to have fears. In days gone by our fears were about being bitten by a snake, eaten by a lion or trampled by a herd of buffalo. For the most part, our 'natural' fears are less real now that we live in fortified tents (aka houses) and have pushed wildlife away from our urban landscape and into the remote wilderness. Unless we place ourselves in those environments, the fear of being bitten by a snake is generally not an everyday occurrence. But there are plenty of people who are grappled with fear on a daily basis. And the source of fear can be anything from spiders to elevators to open spaces to paperclips (and, no, I am not kidding. I once worked with a gentleman who was actually petrified of paperclips).
Overcoming fear is a skill. It is possible to learn how to overcome fear. When dealing with fear there are a few things you can try
Identify your fear. Name it. Describe it. Detail what it is about that thing or situation that scares you in as much detail as possible
Understand your fear. Look at your attitude and response to the fear. What do you think and feel? How do you physically respond?
Contextualise it. How detrimental is this fear to you achieving your goals or living your best life?
Take action. Work gradually to increase your exposure to fear. This can vary from looking at photos of your fear, and spending time with someone who regularly does something you are afraid of (modelling) to slowly exposing yourself to the fear in controlled environments. The key here is to take it gently. The aim is to be able to get through each part without worsening your fears. Each action step should be manageable. You may still be scared but the fear should diminish not grow over time. Never take on more than you think you can handle. As with most things, aim for incremental gains. For example, once you can look at a picture of a spider, go to a zoo and see them in a glass cage where you are safely on the other side then to a demonstration where someone lets a spider crawl on their hand.
If you struggle with any of the steps above, talk to a friend and ask them to help you. If you are still facing issues, please consult a professional. There are clinical strategies and desensitisation processes that they can work with you on to remediate or diminish your fear. If you struggle to conquer your fears, a professional can also guide you through strategies to support you in living with your fears.
If you're interested in further reading on fear, here are some of the best that I have read
Daring Greatly by Brene Brown
The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks
Rewire your Anxious Brain by Catherine Pittman and Elizabeth Karle
Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers
