The Maths of Relationships
It's no secret that relationships are hard. They require work; investment of both time and attention.
I'm not just talking about romantic relationships. I am talking about every connection you have - whether it be your coworker, best friend, mother, sister, child or lover.
Based on my observations, relationships can be loosely categorised by simple equations.
1 + 1 = 0
In this type of relationship, no one 'wins'. Both parties come away from interactions less happy, more emotionally unstable or in some way worse off.
Avoid these relationships like the plague! In a relationship where the sum of the two parts negates the value of both, no good can come from it.
1 + 1 = 1
In this relationship, one person is doing all the 'work' while the other takes the benefit. This can present in one of two fundamental forms:
An abusive relationship where one party puts the other down erodes their emotional or mental state or physically harms the other
Where one is invested and the other is not
Parenting can, at times, feel like a ‘one’ relationship. The truth is that it's a long-term investment that may not pay high dividends in the first year.
1 + 1 = 2
This is a partnership. Both people contribute equally to the relationship and create a (mostly) smooth coexistence.
1 + 1 = 3
The penultimate position for any relationship; is true collaboration. Each party supports, encourages and values the other to the point where the sum of the two parts is greater than the whole. Together both achieve more than they would if they were apart.
Obviously, the aforementioned equations above oversimplify reality. There are times when a three relationship will only sum to two. We all have rough patches. Being human means that we make mistakes and fail from time to time. There are times when a two relationship will drop to a one - someone falls ill or takes on a big project and the attention is not on the relationship like it possibly should be.
At the core, however, every relationship has a net value. If you spend time working on zero and one relationships, you're unlikely to end up in a state of thriving. If you mostly spend time with people that add to your core value, you will continue to soar. Ultimately, our attention defines the path of our lives. Choose how you apportion the limited time you have, making sure you focus on what you can contribute to every relationship you have and watch how people respond. If the relationship is a ‘one’ at its core, people will keep taking what you give. If the relationship is a three, however, you will both start to leap forward in ways you never imagined possible.
The choice is yours. Give your attention wisely.
